Christmas Classics

If you’re struggling to make the yuletide ‘gay,’ try one or all of these Christmas classics…

Bad Santa – 2003

Stumbling out of a bar, casually discarding an empty bottle of whiskey, a clearly drunk Santa leans against an alley wall and relieves himself. Such is the opening scene of Terry Zwigoff’s 2003 comedy Bad Santa, starring Billy Bob Thornton as the titular character. Within the next 5 minutes, we see Santa swear at children, swig from another bottle of whiskey, and soil himself all whilst sitting in Santa’s chair. For he’s not doing this for the love of Christmas, children, but so he and his dwarf accomplice can rob the shopping mall safe after hours. A year after this initial successful robbery, the duo is back, this time in Arizona to con yet another mall.

Through his relationship with a young boy (here meaning using the boys house to lay low) Thornton’s Santa learns the true meaning of Christmas. Well, he learns a meaning of Christmas.

Die Hard – 1988

A New York cop who hates to fly. An estranged wife, whose choice of career over marriage causes marital tension. A West German mercenary, posing as a terrorist in order to steal $600 million in bearer bonds. It’s the perfect recipe for Yuletide mirth, albeit with an above average body count. As the Nakatomi corporation’s Los Angeles Christmas party is under way, John McLean arrives hoping to reconcile with his wife. Their reunion is interrupted by Hans Gruber and his merry band of terrorists, who take the party hostage, with the exception of McLean, who escapes through a fire escape. Bruce Willis spends 2 hours running about Nakatomi tower filling the various henchmen with Christmas cheer (here meaning 9mm bullets fired from his Beretta and H&K MP5). In the end, the bad guys are defeated and the McLeans are reunited. Perfect, feel-good holiday fare.

Lion in Winter – 1968

One crucial convention of Christmas classics is the family. Macaulay Culkin had to learn that he needed his family as much as they need him in Home Alone. Jimmy Stewart learned that the life of everyone he knows would be worse off without him, especially his family. And finally, Katherine Hepburn and Peter O’Toole learn that family is important; as a means of forming allegiances and double crosses to secure the crown of England for their favourite child (in both cases, it’s not Geoffrey).

Upon all arriving at Agincourt for Christmas, the family exchange loving words;

Eleanor – “Had I been born sterile, I’d be happier today”

Henry – “What shall we hang? The holly or each other?”

Richard – “Is this an audience... a good night hug with kisses... or an ambush?”

From there, things only get worse (or better, from the perspective of audience enjoyment), as alliances are formed, broken, reformed and reneged upon as the family all conspires to place themselves, or their favourite on the throne. At Christmas.

Hepburn delivers what is arguably her greatest performance, balancing the cruel nature of her family with a genuine yet concealed longing Eleanor has to be with Henry.

Possibly a bit of a downer, but it'll put anything that happens at your family's Christmas into perspective.